I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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