i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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