Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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