it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
