Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
