You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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