I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
