I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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