If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize