i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When are your genitals available?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
