i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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