i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
