i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
