Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
