So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
