I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
