Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
