I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
