Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
