He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
