Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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