i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
