I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
