I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
