At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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