Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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