I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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