JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
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