I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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