My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
