meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
