so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize