I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
