Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
