people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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