Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
