My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
