my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
