i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
