: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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