she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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