So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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