So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
