I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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