Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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