my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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