Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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