I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
