We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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