24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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