i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
