I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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