I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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