I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
