I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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