the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
