I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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