I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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