Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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