Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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