She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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