A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
