i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
