would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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