I want to make a zoo with you.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
