I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
