It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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